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I have been struggling with a particular addiction for many years now and there have been so many times where I relinquished the habit only to find myself picking it up again!!! Always, I was under the impression that God had truly freed me and like the woman caught in adultery I would go and sin no more. Recently I fell into the habit again; the ugly thing is the hate and disgust I feel toward myself after I'm finished. On Tuesday night, I felt Jesus telling me to pack my my bags and follow Him and never return to this ugly place of sin and despair. I did follow him but there is a fear threatening to overwhelm me to the point of oblivion.
I fear that like those other times the temptation will be too strong and I will turn my back on God like I did before. I spoke to my mom and she says I'm being to negative and that I need to claim the promises of the bible more,. I'm working on that but I'm not sure if I believe them. I yearn to reach to a place where my heart will be desperately thirsting and hungering after Him. I want to be like Moses who after weighing the pleasures of this earth and the joy promised of God chose to endure hardships with his people because he knew there was better on its way. The question that looms over me like a hammer on a tiny piece of string ready to pop at any minute is WILL I EVER REACH THERE? WILL I EVER EXPERIENCE TRUE FREEDOM?
